My child is depressed. Now what?
“As a teacher it’s really sad to see how parents of kids with mental issues and depression are treated. There just really isn’t an understanding.”
Our series “Now What?” addresses clinical depression in children and teens and what parents and caregivers can do to get the help they need.
Maybe your daughter is eating a lot more than usual, or isn’t hungry at all. Or your child argues and becomes aggressive whenever you try to talk with them. Maybe your son, who used to enjoy playing in the yard, doesn’t want to go outside or says he just can’t get out of bed.
Depression affects about three percent of children and teens and is one of the most common mental illnesses diagnosed in childhood. Data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show that while children’s ER visits declined after the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, ER visits because of mental health crises increased relative to the previous year.
Problems at School
When Lisa’s son Bryce was 9, she started getting a lot of calls from his school. She didn’t realize things had been building up since Bryce’s brother had died three years earlier.
“It started with a few years of bullying in school,” she says. His brother’s death weighed on him, but Bryce didn’t talk much about it. “He started becoming aggressive at school, he started fighting back with the kids who were picking on him and kind of took it too far, thinking everyone was picking on him.”
Lisa was a special education teacher at a different school. Leaving early because Bryce had gotten in trouble became a regular event.
“One day I made it home five minutes after he had been dropped off,” she remembers. “I couldn’t find him in the house. I kept calling for him and calling for him. I smelled smoke and [when I found him] he was trying to light himself on fire.”
Lisa went into teacher mode, drawing on her work with mentally ill students, talking to him and helping him calm down. Then she took him to the emergency room.
“They kept him there at the ER for three days and then transferred him to a psych hospital for about five days,” she says.
“My biggest difficulty was dealing with the school system after that,” she says.
Bryce is autistic and was mainstreamed in school. He had an individualized education plan, but when he had meltdowns, she says, “they kept just calling and sending him home, no matter what.”
The principal and school counselors kept asking what was going on at home, even though they knew Bryce was still grieving.
“I felt very strongly that they blamed me,” Lisa says. “It’s not like I hid the fact that his brother died.”
“As a teacher it’s really sad to see how parents of kids with mental issues and depression are treated,” she says. “There just really isn’t an understanding.”
Lisa struggled with the school to teach them how to support Bryce, but the relationship soon turned adversarial. Since the pandemic started, Bryce has been excelling in online school, though Lisa worries he is not getting the socialization he needs.
What has helped most is finding a good developmental pediatrician, Lisa says. Bryce’s doctor spends their 45-minute appointments talking over everything with Bryce and Lisa and has him on a good combination of medications. Lisa said she e-mailed the doctor three times on a recent weekend; someone always replies within 24 hours. These quick responses have saved Bryce from going to the ER several times.
The hallmarks of depression are persistent sadness and hopelessness. When children no longer enjoy things they used to, frequently become angry and aggressive, experience appetite changes, sleep little or too much, or feel worthless, these are signs of a more serious problem. Depression symptoms such as low mood, poor self-esteem, disrupted sleep or eating, weight changes, fixation on death, and so on must be present for at least two weeks to be classified as clinical or major depression.
Studies suggest that Black children and youth tend to express depression through physical pains and talking about conflicts with others. Depression among Black children is often misunderstood, leading to punishment instead of caring support.
Like Bryce, many children who experience depression also have another diagnosis such as anxiety, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, or a behavior disorder.
Children at risk for depression may have family members who have also been depressed. They may have experienced major life changes such as a death in the family or moving to a different city. Trauma and stress from a serious accident or illness, violence, or the experience of being exposed to racist attacks and microaggressions also cause depression.
Children who do not conform to their culture’s gender norms also have a markedly higher risk of depression. To reduce this risk, experts advise families to accept their child as they are, and seek out doctors, teachers, and counselors who affirm the child and are skilled at promoting the mental health of gender non-conforming children.
Keeping Your Child Safe
Suicide and self-harm are among the most frightening parts of childhood depression. In 2019, suicide was a leading cause of death for children aged 10 to 14. A child who becomes preoccupied with death, researches or asks about ways to die, begins giving away their possessions, or talks about who will get them after they die may be thinking about trying to end their life. Any child who talks about or tries to harm themselves should receive immediate medical care.
If you suspect your child is depressed, experts recommend asking them openly if they are sad and if they are thinking about harming or killing themselves. This will not cause the child to become suicidal, but it will allow them to talk to you about it if they are. Let them know you are on their side, and you are going to get them help.
Indigenous communities are working hard to reduce their rates of child suicide. In American Indian and Alaska Native communities, suicide is the second leading cause of death for children aged 10 to 14. This tragic reality is the result of centuries of oppression and genocide, but many mental health and medical professionals in the communities have developed effective, culturally appropriate suicide-prevention strategies drawing on the resilience of their traditions.
Recovery from depression weaves together several threads. Making sure the child is safe from self-harm is the first one. Next, you and your child’s doctor must decide what treatments you will try.
Antidepressant medications are often effective, but must be carefully supervised by the child’s doctor. This requires frequent doctor’s visits at first, and open, consistent communication. The parents and caregivers must watch for the sudden worsening of suicidal thoughts that can happen in some children and teenagers when starting a new antidepressant medication.
Therapy has been shown to be effective on its own and along with antidepressant medication. Scientific evidence supports the use of cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, and problem-solving therapy, among others.
Beyond formal interventions, families can promote better mental health by making time to be physically active together, eating healthy food, maintaining a consistent bedtime routine and sleep schedule, and learning more about depression.
Lisa says finding a good therapist for your child can take a long time, but you have to stick with it.
“It might take several times, which is frustrating because you’re paying money, a lot of money, for each session,” she says, but when you find a therapist who works well with the child and helps the family learn to support them, the search is worth it.
If you suspect your child is depressed, or if you discover your child is harming themselves or thinking about it, Lisa says don’t wait.
“I would get in touch with the ER or a doctor right away,” she says. “I wouldn’t mess around with it.”
In order to protect the privacy of children and parents in our Britannica community, first names only are used in this article. The editors of Britannica for Parents do, however, routinely confirm the accuracy and integrity of all our sources.
Hunt, Aaron, and Robles, David J., “Depression in Black Boys Begins Earlier Than You Think,” 2018
Margolese, Stephanie, When Monkey Lost His Smile, 2015
National Institute of Mental Health, “Psychotherapies,” 2016
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, To Live to See the Great Day that Dawns: Preventing Suicide by American Indian and Alaska Native Youth and Young Adults, 2010