Gender, Bodies, Sex: Conversations while shopping for swimsuits
Experts agree that talking with children about boundaries makes them less vulnerable to sexual abuse and more bonded to their parents. By telling them that they own their bodies and explaining your role as their protector and caregiver, you bolster their sense of safety in the world.
When parents and children shop for swimsuits, questions about bodies, gender, and sex often come up. Families share their experiences and advice about how to talk about these tricky topics.
The annual swimsuit shopping trip for your rapidly growing children can get uncomfortable at times. It can lead to a talk about body safety, which isn’t always an easy conversation. For example, you may have to explain to your five-year-old why you don’t want to get her a skimpy bikini or try to find out why she wants a rash guard and board shorts instead of anything in the girls’ section. Other difficult conversations can bubble up. Maybe your little guy wants the Elsa tankini. Whatever swimsuit surprises your little one throws your way, the balance of healthy boundaries and open communication can be hard to find when our expectations and our kids’ unique personalities collide with those of the retail fashion world.
Talking with children about their bodies, teaching them the correct names for their body parts, and showing that you respect their boundaries can happen naturally when you are together. Experts agree that talking with children about boundaries makes them less vulnerable to sexual abuse and more bonded to their parents. By telling them that they own their bodies and explaining your role as their protector and caregiver, you bolster their sense of safety in the world. In this article you will meet Anisa, a parent and early childhood educator, who talks gently and frankly with her children about their ownership of their bodies in ways that let them continue to be kids and feel safe in the world.
Preserving the unselfconscious joy of a child becomes a bigger challenge when one’s child doesn’t conform to their assigned gender. It is easy to give automatic answers to questions about what colors and styles are acceptable for girls or boys, but the social and emotional well-being of gender nonconforming children hinges on their caregivers’ acceptance and protection. Moira, another parent you will meet in this article, is raising a nonbinary child who challenged all the expectations people had for their behavior and appearance. Moira has learned how to give her kids all the information they need about gender and none of the information they don’t.
Anisa: Balance Setting Boundaries with Open Inquiry
“With my girls, there are a few considerations when it comes to swimwear,” says Anisa, mother of two daughters, eight and two, and director of academics for an independent K–12 school in Pittsburgh. “What parts of your body are being exposed or is the suit drawing attention to? And how is this going to let you swim and be safe and comfortable in the water?”
A veteran of 14 years in early childhood education, Anisa is conscious of the social pressures at work on her girls and their right to develop a strong sense of ownership over their bodies. “As my first child has gotten older, she has specifically asked for suits that show more of her body,” she says. “I was fine with a tankini, but much less comfortable with a bikini, out of a sense of protectiveness. Young girls are hypersexualized, and especially girls of color. I was also afraid of her drawing in predatory gazes and attention.” A lot of that concern was based on things Anisa experienced as a child, she says.
She doesn’t want to scare her daughters, but does want to set boundaries. “I wanted to be able to explain this, but I kept it pretty simple,” she says. “I told her, ‘These are more appropriate when you’re older,’ or ‘I think this is safer for your skin and body.’”
Ask Kids How They Would Respond
When it comes to body safety, the conversation has to go beyond what the bathing suit covers. Anisa says that leading with curiosity and inquiry has opened the door to good conversations about healthy personal boundaries and what to do if someone violates those. She recalls a conversation she had after she and her daughter went swimming and her daughter showered afterward with her friend, a girl of the same age.
“[My daughter] said later that they were ‘looking at ourselves and each other and laughing.’” So Anisa asked, “If this friend ever asked if they could touch your privates, what would you say?” She said, “No!” Anisa then asked, “How would you say that?” Her daughter answered emphatically, “No!” In retrospect, Anisa says, “I always saw myself as a parent being more clear and firm, not approaching it with so much inquiry, but I’m grateful I did because it was a much more comfortable conversation. It helped her tune into her natural responses.”
However, Anisa does have a set message that she reiterates to her children, which is: “When you’re a baby, your dad and I will need to be there to help and guide you with your body and your private parts,” she says. “We might need to help you clean yourself until you can do it independently, or if there’s something wrong we may need to look at your body. But we would still ask you if you are comfortable with that. If a doctor needs to examine your body, we will always be there with you. And if you ever really feel like, ‘no this isn’t OK!’ we would talk about a way to get your needs met. And the only way that might look different is if your life were in danger.”
“It’s important to frame it as ‘the entirety of your body is yours,’” she says. “If you’re not OK with something, it doesn’t matter what they’re doing. It may not be physical contact either. People can simply look at you in ways that are uncomfortable. Anyone who isn’t respecting that needs to know immediately. ” She tells her daughters, “If you don’t like someone even touching your elbow, you make that clear and use your strong voice.”
“And then there are also certain parts of your body that, on a different level, need to be kept private. That can open up conversations about not touching someone’s hair or making them feel unsafe. Broadening that conversation is really important.”
Anisa says that in order to keep the dialogue going, parents need to be open with their kids about not having everything worked out perfectly ahead of time. “If it’s hard for you to talk about, just say that,” she says. “Tell them, ‘I want you to know this is a challenge for me, but I’m going to do my best.’ Kids immediately pick up on what is and isn’t OK when it comes to different topics of discussion.”
Moira: Support Your Child’s Uniqueness
Moira has balanced a lot of considerations about swimsuits, bodies, and safety over the years with her kids, Regan (13) and Sarah (10). Regan identifies as nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. (Visit the “Glossary of Terms Related to Gender” for a definition of nonbinary and other terms.) They were assigned male at birth, but by preschool were rocking a pink raincoat and boldly challenging everyone’s ideas of what little boys could wear. On the advice of Regan’s therapist, the family tried using female pronouns with them around first grade. Regan blossomed, and soon socially transitioned to life as a girl. But after a few years they told Moira, “I’ve lived as a boy. I’ve lived as a girl. It’s basically the same.” At the start of their teens they are proudly nonbinary, love Dungeons & Dragons, soccer, and FaceTiming their friends for hours at a time. (Names have been changed to protect their privacy.)
The American Psychological Association (APA) says children who do not conform to their assigned gender and those who are transgender are sometimes prone to anxiety or depression because of rejection by their family and friends. Those effects can be reversed, the APA says in its statement on gender diverse and transgender children, by addressing gender issues in a nonjudgmental and supportive way.
Led by an intuitive desire to honor her child’s expressed sense of self, and the advice of their doctor and therapist, Moira has worked hard to let Regan be Regan. “When they were little,” Moira says, “the party line was that neither clothing nor colors have any gender.” This conversation took place regularly as Regan explored the gender expression they felt comfortable with, which at the time increasingly featured skirts and ponytails. As Regan would proudly tell anyone, “colors are for everyone.”
Avoid Details Kids Aren’t Ready For
Although she openly discussed gender stereotypes and norms with her child, Moira was careful to tread lightly in conversations about certain aspects of gender and swimwear because she didn’t want Regan to feel self-conscious about things they hadn’t thought to worry about.
“I really struggled,” she admits. “If they didn’t feel self-conscious about any sort of bulge, I didn’t want to say anything—or have anyone else say anything—that would make them feel self-conscious.” Both kids tend to wear a somewhat neutral combination of board shorts or skorts and rash guards. The rash guards are often in flowery prints, which signal to the world both kids’ mostly feminine gender presentation.
Even though one of her children is nonbinary and the other identifies with her gender assigned at birth, Moira says both kids have felt the sting of social pressure from peers reinforcing stereotypes. In preschool, Regan was teased for wearing nail polish or a pair of red Toms they loved. At the same age, Sarah’s favorite color was green, which her classmates insisted was a “boy color.” Regan mostly didn’t care, but Sarah eventually chose to appear more gender conforming at school. In the swimsuit aisle, Moira says she has tried to walk the line between supporting her kids’ gender expression but also shielding them from becoming targets for other people’s biases, of which she is all too aware.
Keep Learning, Keep Talking
Parents naturally want to have the answers to their children’s questions and know how to handle any situation. But if you are struggling with what to say or how to support your child, help is available. A number of excellent children’s books deal with the topic of body safety and educating kids to prevent sexual abuse. Titles are listed below under “Learn More.” If you are observing gender nonconforming behavior in your child, a good place to start is The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self. Additional are resources listed below.
Butler, Judith, Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity, 1990
Darkness to Light, “5 Steps to Protecting Our Children: A Guide for Responsible Adults,” 2013
Jorgenson, Sandy, “The Hardest Part of Having a Nonbinary Kid Is Other People,” 2020
Kids First, “How to Talk to Young Children About Body Safety,” [n.d.]
Meier, Colt, and Harris, Julie “The APA Fact Sheet on Gender Diversity and Transgender Identity in Children,” [n.d.]
National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center
Wurtele, S. K., Kast, L. C., Miller-Perrin, C. L., and Kondrick, P. A., “Comparison of Programs for Teaching Personal Safety Skills to Preschoolers,” 1989
Aleo, Karen “Seven Great Gender Fluid Picture Books for Children,” 2020
King, Kimberly, and King, Zach, I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private, 2016
National Sexual Violence Resource Center, “Preventing Child Sexual Abuse Resources,” 2020
Sanders, Jayneen, Body Safety Education: A Parents’ Guide to Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse, 2015
Tando, Darlene, The Conscious Parent’s Guide to Gender Identity: A Mindful Approach to Embracing Your Child’s Authentic Self, 2016
This article originally appeared on Britannica Parent.